Keep Your Hands Off Our Aggies

Throughout this madness that has become conference re-alignment and all the rumors and rampant speculation that has accompanied it, there has been one source that has continually been on the money. That is why when tells reports that Texas A&M has the necessary votes on its Board of Regents to make the jump to the SEC, I have to take it seriously.

This morning, as I do most every morning when I am in town, I went down to the Sunrise-and-Shine Omelet House to have my usual breakfast of runny fried eggs with covered and smothered hash browns. (If you ever happen to be in Wichita Falls and want to find the Sunrise-and-Shine, it is on the Old Jacksboro between the abandoned K-Mart and Fayrene's House of Beauty). As has become my custom, I sit up at the counter with my good friend Roy Wayne Thornton and discuss the state of Texas football, whether it be of the high school, college or professional variety.

No one knows Roy Wayne's real age, but he does allow that it is "north of 80, but still south of 90."  He has accomplished a lot in life, but the thing he is most proud of is graduating from Texas A&M in 1946, "back 'fore they screwed the place up by letting gals and Democrats in." It was, therefore, inevitable that our discussion this morning would center on the Aggies-to-the-SEC controversy. Needless to say, my friend had some very definite opinions on this matter.

"Full out foolishness, is what is," Roy Wayne said. "This conference changing sh*t done got out of hand. The very idea that the Ags would jeopardize the t.u. game is nothing but criminal."

I then told Roy Wayne that while it would be a shame to see the rivalry go, but in the overall scheme of things we had more pressing problems in Texas. I mentioned our huge deficit, the state of our public education system and the fact that the Mexican drug cartels are slowly creeping north across the Rio Grande.

Roy Wayne looked at me like I was crazy. "Son, the three most important thin g in Texas are Jesus, oil and football — and not necessarily in that order. I can't expect to have an intelligent conversation with some youngun' who don't grasp that basic truth."

Duly chastised, I turned away and focused my attention on my breakfast. A few minutes passed, and Roy Wayne started up again, "You know the REAL problem here? Billy Byrnes, that sorry a$$ AD we hired from Nebraska. Like all the rest of them corneaters, he come to town a-hating the Horns. He thought he'd fit right in because we hate you Austin hippies too. But there's a big difference. Billy hates Texas because he is jealous. We hate you, but we love you at the same time — kinda like a couple of brothers who just don't get along."

"Billy Byrnes and them dipsh*ts on the Regency Board don't realize that A&M needs t.u. On the other hand, t.u. don't need us on 'cos  ya'll got Ok-lee-homer to hate on," Roy Wayne claimed. "Who we gonna have — Arkansas? You think I care whether we beat a whole squad full of Billy Clinton's illegitimate offsprings?"

Then he got to the question that was on my mind. What will Texas A&M do about The Aggie War Hymn, arguably the greatest college fight song ever written, and which is centered entirely around the UT-A&M rivalry?  "Well, I 'spose we gonna re-write that," Roy Wayne explained. "Nobody east of the Mississippi cares one wit about sawing varsity's horns off."

He then cleared his throat, and sang what he thinks will be the new version of The Aggie War Hymn;

"Goodbye to Bama and Auburn

So long to the Rebs from Ole Miss too

Good luck the dumd a$$ Texas Aggies

We ain't gonna scare the sh*t out of you


The Eyes of Texas aren't upon us

They're all watching the Horns and USC

(but it won't be me!)

So good luck to the dumb a$$ Texas Aggies

'Cause we'll get beat like a drum

We shouldn't have come

And we won't even win three games


Saw Mike the Tiger's fangs off

Clip that Auburn Eagles wings too

Neuter that Georgia bulldog while you are at it

Then go to Florida and make us some Gator shoes"


Of course, everyone present busted out laughing and gave Roy Wayne a rousing round of applause. This served to make him even madder.


"Ya'll just don't understand. I still got the senior boots I wore to the t.u. game back in '45. And now, on account of the fact that Gene Stallings ain't  never got over his Bear Bryant complex, I got nothing to look forward to but the occasional win over Vandy."


As he sat back down, I then asked him who would take A&M's place in the new Pac 10+6. "Well, it won't be Baylor, I can tell you that. Your Stanfords and your Berkleys and all them other places that offer degrees in communism ain't gonna let a pack of rabid Southern Baptists in. I'm figuring on it being Kansas."


As I went to pay the check, I tried to console Roy Wayne one last time. Maybe, I told him, Texas AD Deloss Dodds was bluffing when he said that it would be the end of the rivalry if A&M went to the SEC.


"Nah, he weren't bluffin'," Roy Wayne said. "He can't let the Ags have their cake and eat it too. This rivalry is as good as dead. There is only one thing that could save it now. (Governor) Ricky Perry could take a minute off from looking in the mirror and combing his hair, pick up the phone, and call those good ol' boys down south with a message.

And what would that message be, I wondered?


"Keep your hands off our Aggies, you d*mn rednecks!"